EnviroGolf Will Make You Hate Golf


To be honest, I wasn’t much of a fan of golf before playing EnviroGolf, but now? Huh, I hate golf! Probably.

This retro-style golf game contains three holes to beat. You start off, golf shoes digging into the rich, green grass, sucking in the clean-ish air and tucking your striped polo shirt into those trousers your wife bought you for your birthday. Okay, I made all of that up. It’s called setting the scene, apparently, a scene in which you’re a bit of a golf toff who can afford expensive materials.

The game simply has you picking between four clubs (wood, iron, wedge or putter), and then you choose whether you want to hit the ball with a weak, medium or strong swing. Then it’s a case of watching the five frames of animation depicting a man swinging a golf club, accompanied by the sound of the club hitting the ball. Lovely. Everything is pretty normal up until now, but it’s at this point that you’re told your golf ball bounced into a tree, awakening an owl, which will now lose precious sleep. You should feel bad for enjoying your leisurely round of golf. You’re disturbing owls, you bastard.

“…your ball went off-course and a snake choked on it”

But no, you carry on, hitting a ball towards a flag, and eventually into a hole. There’s a little bit of skill in choosing the right club for the right moment, calculating terrain and distance from the hole, but it’s not exactly a challenging game. And yes, every time you hit the ball, you’ll be told that your footsteps compact chemicals in the ground that will kill animals, or that your ball went off-course, and a snake choked on it, or you’re reminded that deforestation necessary to build the golf course destroyed little animal homes.

Once you’ve seen all of the environmental messages and realized that your enjoyment has come at a great expense, EnviroGolf gets a little tedious. I think it might go on a hole too long. I did like the ending, though, even though I expected it. You’re simply told that you don’t get a score for your putting skills because, quite simply, you’re an oafish human who only thinks of themselves.

You can download EnviroGolf for free over on Game Jolt for Windows.


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